Summer class

I'm taking my last class at the U this summer. I had planned to take it online, but that didn't work out, and now I'm really glad. "Analysis of Argument" is a great class to end this portion of my schooling with. It's about how to plan and present a logical discussion on a topic.
We're supposed to do a paper on a subject of our choice, using the methods taught in the class. My topic, big surprise, is: "Resolved: The U.S. government should allocate more of its social service funding to educate the general population, officers, clergy, and family members about mental illness."
We have a mid-term test on Tuesday, and an outline for our case due July 2. I'm a tad nervous about the test, but excited to get started on the outline. As the semester progresses, I plan to post what I learn. Stay tuned! (And hopefully I'll FINALLY get the comments problem resolved, too. One can always hope!)
Our Sailor son, Jeff, and his wife will also be here next month before he's deployed for 6 months to the Persian Gulf. I'm looking forward to having them home for a few weeks, but not looking forward to the deployment.

Post Vacation Depression

David is having a bad spell with post-vacation depression.
I'm not really surprised, given all the stress that we've experienced in the past month: Our youngest getting married, my graduation, becoming empty-nesters, and our favorite dog getting killed.
I can see the signs when it starts getting harder for him to control, and I feel frustrated and sad that I can't do much more than give quiet sympathy when it overtakes him.
In the bad old days I took it personally when he distanced himself from me emotionally. That's when we argued the most. Now I realize it's one of the symptoms of his illness.
Here are some hard-won lessons that I've learned over the past 20 years on how to work with him. It's not that I'm perfect at it, but this is what works the best for us:
When he says he wants to be left alone, I've learned to give him space and continue on with my own projects and life.
He tends to say unkind and inappropriate remarks; I either ignore them and leave the room, or tell him as calmly as possible that he's out of control.
Most of the time when I ask him how he's doing he gives me full sentences about how he feels. When he's in this frame of mind, he gives me one word answers or a cold look. I've learned to accept the answer and not press for more.
David has very little energy and motivation right now. I accept what he does, and don't demand more than what he can give.
We usually have a nightly prayer together, and that always helps. Now is the time when I also need to put his name on the prayer roll at the temple.



I try to remember that a loving Father in Heaven knows him, his needs, and how best to help him. I've learned to "let go, and let God" take charge.

Road Trip Report

We had a wildly successful first empty-nester trip over Memorial Day weekend.
The day before we left David had a major struggle with pre-trip anxiety. He always has a panic attack before we go anywhere outside of Salt Lake Valley and usually tells me that we can't/won't/shouldn't be going. He worked through it by going on a walk along the Jordan with the dogs. Sadly, Riley bolted off just before David could put his leash on after a swim, and ended up half a mile from David at a busy road, and was killed by a car. We were heartbroken. All through the weekend we felt peace and comfort in the loss of Riley, and David made it through the weekend without any more anxiety or major depressive episodes. We felt blessed and grateful.

Everyone else who had planned to go with us bailed at the last minute, but we were OK with that. It was important and healing for us to be by ourselves, talking and mourning as we needed to. We also enjoyed being by ourselves, coming and going as we pleased, and exploring little-traveled side roads. Usually that gets us into trouble, but this time we managed not to get stuck or lost (well, only a little, one time).

We love going to the desert in the early summer. The weather was still cool, and with recent rain, desert flowers were out in full force.

Cactus in bloom


David and I like to camp in out-of-the-way rough camps, and the first night we found a beautiful campsite near a river bottom. David had a good time fishing.

The next day we went to Goblin Valley and had a great time hiking and climbing in the rain. The weather forecast all week had been 80s and sunny. They were wrong. It was more like 70s and showery, but we decided we weren't going to let a little thing like rain destroy our vacation.

Goblin Valley

The cliffs at Goblin Valley

It was raining when we drove through Capital Reef, so we kept on going.

View of Capital Reef area from a mountaintop scenic view stop

We found a beautiful place to camp near the little town of Boulder in the Grand Staircase Monument. I was just starting to cook dinner, and David had started to put up a new tent that we bought from Kevin, but hadn't put the rain cover over it yet (he decided to go fish in the creek nearby instead), when it started to rain. The rain turned into a downpour! So there we were: David trying to put the rain cover on the tent in a driving rainstorm (it didn't work: we hadn't figured out how to put the tent up, and the weight of the raincover filled with rainwater caused the tent to collapse with most of our camp gear inside! Fortunately, our bedding was safe and dry in our SUV) and I was trying to cook pork chops in a pan that filled with water faster than I could empty it out and keep cooking. I'm not a great cook anyway, but this was by far the worst thing I have ever cooked: soggy, cold pork chops. But we choked it down, then sat in our car, looked at the soggy mess and laughed ourselves to sleep.

The weather sort of cleared up off and on the next day, and we went on to Escalante and Calf Creek Falls, then over to Kodachrome Basin and Bryce Canyon.

Calf Creek Falls

Kodachrome Basin

Bryce Canyon

We camped by a beautiful mountain lake called Pine Lake, where David caught a 3-5 pound trout! He was a happy camper.

Pine Lake

We were reluctant to join the rat race of the freeway, so we slowly made our way home on the backroads and enjoyed looking at the small towns along the way home.

We were able to relax and reconnect with each other in a way that hasn't happened very often. We noticed that David's moods were much better, and when he could feel himself slipping into depression because of the loss of Riley, he was able to pull himself out of it. It was wonderful to have some time with a well David. 

We're planning on doing some more trips like this one by ourselves.

Comments Section

I think I have fixed the comments section. Thanks to all who wanted to post and couldn't. And thanks to Wendy for helping me work on the problem.
Nope. Still working on the problem.:)

Of Mentors and Support Groups

In addition to all of the family stuff that happened last month, one of my best friends and mentors at work retired after 25 years. She taught me everything I know about proofreading and magazine production work, and it was hard to see her leave. Today we had a luncheon for her, and it was so much fun to visit with her and others who used to work at the magazine, including 2 long-retired former bosses whom I greatly admire.
One of the benefits of working for the same company is the feeling of shared history with coworkers. Most of us have children the same age, and when they were growing up we would get together for lunch and share stories and child raising techniques. It was truly a case of "it takes a village to raise a child." My children used to say they had 10 other mothers and fathers who were interested in them and their well-being.
I started working at the LDS Church magazines as the typist (though it worked into being a typesetter/production job) when I had 3 very young children and was in a deeply troubled marriage. My family lived in another state, and my coworkers became a surrogate family. They helped me through the bad marriage, divorce, single parenthood, remarriage, broken and blended family issues to numerous to mention, missions, marriages, babies, military deployments, David's illnesses, and my schooling. I cannot imagine how I would have survived without their loving support and many kindnesses. They are truly Christlike people, and great examples to follow.
We have been blessed to live in wards with friends and neighbors who lend helping hands when they are needed. They are fine examples of people who live their religion.
Our extended family of parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins have also been a great support and are all that anyone could ask for in a family. They understand that families are meant to work and play together and to give each other support and encouragement in good times and bad.
Support groups on the web have also been very helpful, especially one for military parents. They have been a godsend when my boys have been deployed. It's so nice to find others across the country who are having similar experiences, and to learn and grow from each other. I also appreciate the sites that I have found that discuss mental illness and all of its issues.
I feel truly blessed by all these and others who have enriched my life. I have never really felt alone, even in the midst of the trials that come with life.

Recovering from all the excitement

In addition to the graduation last week, we had some other big events take place: Our youngest daughter married the week before; our daughter Lara who was visiting from Mexico went back home; our son Brian graduated and was commissioned an Army officer in Kentucky (same day); and we became empty-nesters on Mother's Day weekend. Mother's Day is a tender time for me and usually comes with tears, mostly because I miss my mother who passed away when I was 21. Fortunately, David understands, and we reverse roles: he takes care of me emotionally.

David came through the last month of big stress really very well, but it's starting to take a toll on him. He had a couple of bad days and nights, including one involving fishing on the Jordan River (his latest hobby) at 10:00 p.m. Fortunately, our hero dog Riley was uneasy and pushed him back toward the car and home. (It's a little difficult to ignore a 90 lb. dog nudging against you.) I figure if that's as bad as he gets, we're all right. He has noticed more noises, and mood swings, but, as he says, he gets up every morning and fights to be normal. He's doing a good job of staying on top of his moods with his meds and talking through it with me. 

I've been stressed as well, and I notice that when I'm over tired and stressed I have a hard time concentrating on tasks at hand, and I am more forgetful. (A bad thing, since I tend to be absent minded anyway.)

Right now, we're gearing up for a big Memorial Day trip to the parks of Southern Utah. He always stresses over upcoming trips, so we'll see how this goes. It started out as a trip for just the two of us, then he decided he wanted to have the kids come, too. At this point, it's us, David's ex, Bette, 2 of our daughters, and 2 grandchildren. I can hardly wait for this weekend!

Since I am a sometimes (ok. always) gushy mother, and so very proud of my children, here are a few pix from our month.

Katie and her new husband, Kevin

Ben (a graduate engineering student) and Brian (a poli science graduate and new officer)

Brian, being commissioned by his twin, Ben, and his wife, Tania

The first salute to his ex-Marine brother, Jonathan

Graduation Thoughts

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I graduated yesterday at age 53 from the University of Utah with a BA in Mass Communication. It was a bittersweet day, filled with the excitement of finishing an almost-6 year project, reflecting on the past, looking toward the future, and sharing it with loved ones.

After the commencement ceremony

In front of the communication building, where I spent a lot of time.

With my dad

David McCullough, the historical writer, received an honorary degree and was the commencement speaker. For a history buff, it was a real treat. He compared our accomplishments with the building of the Brooklyn Bridge—the first man-made wonder in America. Here are some of the comments, among the many, that I appreciated:
"Had the American dream been handed to us all in tidy order, all done up with everything set to operate perfectly in perpetuity, we would hardly be the people we are."
"History can be a great source of inspiration. Learn from the past and don't take the 'familiar' things for granted."
"And make it your practice to ask people about themselves and what they've learned from experience. Don't ever forget that there isn't a man or woman, no matter their appearance or station in life, who doesn't know something, or how to do something, that you don't."

I loved my time at the U. I thought it was invigorating and exciting. My older sister, Barb, came for the ceremony, and after the commencement, but before the convocation where I actually walked across the stage, I showed her around the campus. It's a beautiful campus, set high on the hill, with a lot of trees and a combination of old and new buildings. She worked as an educator in the community college in Washington for 28 years, and was instrumental in talking me into going back to school. We agreed that one of the things we love about colleges is the enthusiasm and passion of the students, as well as expanding horizons.

One of my favorite views of the campus

I decided to go back to school thirty years after getting my associate degree from Ricks College (now BYU—Idaho) when I started feeling stale, and the youngest two were in high school. I suppose it was a form of mid-life crisis, but I also knew that if I didn't do something to update and further my work skills, I would end up in a dead-end job. So with the help and encouragement of family, friends, David, workmates, professors, and other students, I went to school part-time and had a wonderful, successful experience that has already helped my career. (By the way, my final grade in the statistics class was a lovely C! I feel really good about that, especially considering that I had only one (1) hour to study before the final.)
David has been great about supporting me, and we agreed that after we settle in to being empty-nesters, I may go back for a Masters degree in a few more years. I already have a project in mind: interviewing and writing about the affect of bipolar disorder on spouses.

We Often Go Walking

We often go walking along the Jordan River trail. The trail is a favorite area for David to go when he is in a wandering mood, when he wants peace to think, and where our dogs like to run.

Last Sunday was sunny and warm, so we decided to take the dogs for a walk. Sunny, our 4-year-old poodle, and Riley, our 2-year-old German short-hair lab, sense a treat coming, and hold semi-still when David puts their leash on them.

David with Riley and Sunny at the golf course

The trail is not far from our home, but to get to it we have to walk along the fenceline of the community golf course. We take care to stay clear of the golfers who are also out enjoying the early spring weather. When we reach the trail, David lets the dogs run free. Sunny stays right by his side, but Riley races off to the river, jumps in, and chases his beloved ducks. The river is slow moving and muddy, but it's home to a large population of ducks, geese, beaver, and some trash fish. Riley also likes to sniff out and chase raccoons and squirrels (and, unfortunately on occasion, skunks) who live along the river bank.

The Jordan River

We enjoy watching Riley's antics, and David tells me about his adventures with the dogs on his previous trips. We walk together, sometimes talking quietly about little things, sometimes quiet with our own thoughts. One of the things I enjoy most about David are the comfortable silences between us.

Riley in the water

The first part of the trail is improved with asphalt and a new fence designed to keep golf balls off the trail. Then we get to the unimproved section. It gives us the feeling that we're out away from civilization, even though we are still close to the city. If we look east, we can see the city, but looking west, there is open land. It feels peaceful.

View of the city, looking southwest

We walk past a well-kept animal rescue sanctuary and David tells me about watching puppies play there. Sometimes he stops and chats with the workers, and they comment on how well behaved our dogs are. He tells me about other people he has met along the trail, including fishermen who sometimes offer him a drink and who visit with him.
We come to an abandoned junk yard filled with old broken bottles, a rusted-out washtub and old tires; I pick up a few old bottles to take home. He tells me about other times he has been there, and as he talks, I get a glimpse into his world when he goes wandering.

When we come to a rickety old bridge, he tells me about the time he tried to cross it when he was in one of his catatonic states. He shakes his head and says, "Sometimes it scares me to realize the danger I've been in, and I realize the Lord is watching over and protecting me." We are quiet for a few minutes, thinking about our blessings. He says he has found a secluded spot along the river that is his sanctuary when he's in one of his moods. He won't show it to me because he goes there when he doesn't want to be found. Maybe he will another day.

View from the end of the trail

We eventually come to the end of the trail where it meets up with another, newly-created path near a freeway. "Want to know how I get across the freeway?" he asks me. I shake my head, there are some things that I would really rather not think about.
Finding a grassy area, we lie down for a few minutes and watch the clouds go by. I reflect upon the stories David has told me, and I appreciate his trust in sharing his feelings and experiences with me. I know how important this river is to him, and I feel privileged that he let me see it through his eyes. It also makes me feel better to see where he goes when he's out walking.
We slowly make our way home, a little tired and footsore, but content.

Quick Update

I am only six weeks away from graduation—I just got the official information about the commencement services today. (I do have to take an online statistics class this summer, and then I'll really be done with this project.) So exciting!! The class has gone better than I really expected. I took another test on Tuesday, and should have a clearer picture tomorrow on how well I'm doing. I just keep repeating to myself: "Cs earn degrees."
We have also been busy with wedding plans. Our youngest, Katie, is getting married May 1, and we're now in full swing with preparations. Last weekend I went with Katie and Kevin (her fiance), and Krista while they took engagement photos. Krista did a great job with them. Here's one that was taken on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake at sunset:

David has been doing all right with the increase in his medicine, but lately the noise in his head is back, full force. We think that part of the problem is work-related stress. He works part-time for a janitorial company, and after his six-month medical leave, they finally put him back to work at a regular position that he shared with another man. Unfortunately, today we found out that the people where he was working wanted someone there full time, which he can't do, so he's back to only working nights with Katie and me. It all takes such a bad toll on his sense of self-worth when things like this happen. He's also nervous about this upcoming wedding, and what it will be like for us to be empty-nesters. I frankly am rather excited about the change, even though I'll miss having Katie at home. David, on the other hand, doesn't like change. He keeps saying, "what if we don't like each other?"
"We'll be fine," I tell him.
or "what are we doing to do without kids around?"
"Relax and enjoy ourselves," I say.
or "maybe we should take in a foster child."
"We've done that before, and I'm not even remotely interested," I said with great emphasis.
We're thinking of taking a real vacation, all by ourselves, over Memorial Day weekend. I can hardly wait!

Update: I didn't do well on the last test, so I picked myself up, dusted off my wounded pride, and tried again with homework assignment number 3. Only 1 more assignment and a test to go!
Wedding plans are continuing at a fast pace: invites are done, we had a bridal shower, now it's on to flowers and food, and finding me a dress.

Words vs. Numbers

I am taking a communications research and statistics class this semester. It's almost the last class I need to get my BA in Mass Communication. I delayed taking it until the end because I really am not good with numbers. (And how I ended up being in charge of family finances is beyond me!) I enjoyed the first part of the class on the theory of research in communication. In fact, I was feeling proud of myself because I got an A on the first test. But now we're heading into the actual math and statistics part of the class, and I'm nervous (actually, terrified is a better word). Which is why entries here may be sporadic until mid-May when I'll be done with this class.
It's interesting to me how genetics works: My grandfather graduated with honors for his masters degree in math from Berkeley during the 1920s. He also taught advanced math and science classes when he was the principal and school superintendent in his small Idaho town. I swear I was somewhere else in heaven when math genes were handed out, but they did end up with one of my sons. Ben is finishing up his masters degree in nuclear engineering and took most of the advanced math classes the university offers.
A few months ago we had a discussion on the relative merits of math and language:
"But math is so logical, Mom!" he said.
All I could say is, "It may be logical to you, son, but it's Greek to me."
When I countered that language is much easier to understand, he brought up all the exceptions to the rules in grammar. I couldn't argue the point.
What I struggle with is all the various formulas that have to be followed exactly in order to come up with the right answer.
We did agree that it's a good thing there are a wide variety of talents and personality types. Can you imagine a world filled only with mathematicians? Or for that matter, grammarians? or artists? or lawyers? or mechanics? or musicians?
David got the results of the blood tests he took last month. He's still low on lithium, so the Dr. increased the dosage. He also added depakote to help with the hallucinations. David is finally going from getting little sleep to having some sleep, and his moods are doing better.
He was a little stressed last weekend when he forgot to take his meds one night. He started obsessing (again) about my health, and what would he do if something happened to me. I would be flattered, except I know it's because he's more concerned about his own welfare than he is about my well-being. It is, however, a good reminder to get our financial house in order. That task is just simply going to have to wait until this math class is done. I can only deal with so much at once!

Time Management

One of the challenges that I struggle with is how to manage my time to get everything done that I would like. I work full time, have a small part-time evening job with David and our youngest daughter, go to school part-time to finish a degree, and try to take care of the house, the family budget, church assignments, etc. And that doesn't even count the other things that I want to do to take care of myself, or even do more research about mental health issues. It's easy to get overwhelmed, and I have to remind myself that I do not need to get every thing done at once, and that it's important to celebrate small successes. I like this reminder found in the Book of Mormon: "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mosiah 4:27.)
I read an article about procrastination several months ago, and posted this on my wall: "What's the best thing you could be working on, and why aren't you?"
Sometimes that "best thing" is relaxing and playing. During the last few weeks I have been focusing more on the tasks I need to do during the week, and then slowing the pace down during the weekend. We've been able to visit with our children and grandchildren who live nearby, as well as with our Sailor son and his wife when they came home last weekend.
We also make a point of attending our Sunday church meetings. David goes as often as his health allows, and I go regularly because I have found that it gives me the peace and strength I need for the coming week. I've noticed that his moods aren't as severe during the week when we have a calmer weekend schedule.
I really don't like time management systems; I am a Type B personality and would rather stop and smell the roses than be tied to a hard and fast schedule. For a long time I could hardly even look at a printed day planner, although now I can use one when I absolutely have to.
My first husband loved making schedules and lists, and at one point insisted that I record what I was doing every 15 minutes. It nearly drove me crazy. I had three very young children, and we were living in a small, married-student apartment. I was also struggling badly with post-partum depression, and didn't know what was wrong with me. On one particularly bad day I heard the song "Garden Party" by Rick Nelson. I love the song, and especially related to the line: "You see, you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself." I decided that I had had enough of schedules, and threw mine out. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
This was before the onslaught of time management systems and day planners. It's too bad that he didn't market his ideas; he could have made a fortune.

The Joys of Grandparenting

We had two of our grandchildren (6-year-old Gabby and her 3-year-old brother Brad) spend the weekend with us. Such fun! We played Barbies and dress-up; David played "tiger" with Brad; we went shopping and bought them a dollar toy at a second-hand store and doughnuts at the grocery story; we made cookies, watched some movies, and read a few stories. We enjoyed their happy chatter, and the sound and energy of small ones running through the house. They were sweet and well behaved; it was just what we needed to bring sunlight into the winter doldrums we had been struggling with. Their tight "squeezes" and "I love yous" made our weekend.
It also reminded me of what attracted me to David in the first place: his way with young children. We met at a singles dance, and decided to meet the next day after work for cokes. I told him I had 3 children and had to pick them up from the daycare first. He said, "They're not brats are they?" I reassured him they were not.
The next day we met at a restaurant, and my 8-year-old twin boys, Ben and Brian, proceeded to tease their 6-year-old sister, Lara, to the point of tears. I ended up leaving him with the boys while I took my daughter kicking and screaming to the ladies room. When we left to go home, David asked me for my number, and I thought, "yeah, sure you'll call." I wouldn't have called me.
Two months later he was cleaning out his wallet, found my number, and on a whim, decided to call. After we laughed about our first "date," we ended up spending a lot of time together, alone and with the kids who hit it off from the start. Two months later we married and began life together as a blended family with Jonathan, Ben, Brian, Lara, Brittany, and Shannon (ages 10 to 4). Later we added Jeffrey and Katie. We also consider Krista, David's ex-wife's daughter, to be one of ours. They are the joy of my life and are worth every last grey hair, and "wrinkly eyes," as Gabby put it when she was making me a "princess."

Beacon of Hope

I don't know the story behind the site Beacon of Hope, or why it hasn't been updated for a long time, but I'm truly grateful the information posted there is still accessible.
I went wandering around the site again recently while trying to figure out how better to cope with David's moods. Several items in the coping section were welcome reminders that I'm not alone in dealing with a mentally ill spouse.
I especially relate right now to the section on "burnout." It's easy to get so involved with the drama surrounding him and his moods/needs/demands that I forget to take care of myself. Last week I made a stab at spending some quality time by myself, and it does help. For me, time by myself is as important as eating and breathing. I don't function very well when I don't have enough time alone to think and dream.
David's moods are still dark, but he finally went to his doctor. He's working with the doctor to adjust his medicine, and he needs to take some more blood tests. We were very lucky to have landed with caring, competent doctors when we most needed one. Last fall we had a Dr.'s appointment that coincided with David having a severe anxiety attack. Our regular Dr. was concerned, talked to the psychiatrist on the staff at the same clinic, and got David in to see him within just a few days. We're grateful for their good care and compassion.

It's been one of "those" months

David's moods often reminds me of winter weather. Like overcast skies and stormy days, his mood lately has been mostly gloomy with occasional patches of light. He's been struggling again with depression, more hallucinations, and an obsession with my body image.
This particular round has also been hard on me, and I realize that I need to explore some better coping techniques. Part of the problem for me has been that daily verbal attacks mostly about my weight, and ongoing financial challenges has taken a toll on my sense of worth.
On days when I wonder how I can keep going, I remember the words of a poem that one of my favorite high school teachers, Richard Pratt, taught me years ago:
I can't—a poor, pale, puny imp
Too lazy to work and from every duty does shirk.
I can—a giant, unbending he stands.
And he can conquer who thinks he can
In spite of the throngs who doubt him.

As with all storms, however, this one seems to be lifting at last, and I see some signs of improvement. Yesterday when I came home from work he surprised me with these flowers! I seldom get flowers, and I especially appreciate these:


It's a welcome reminder that every storm eventually ends.